Here I am, one day before I leave on my big trip. I’ve been quiet for a while because of all the preparing and planning. It’s still hard to believe I’m really doing this tomorrow. Every day that passed I got more excited but at the same time, I have to admit that I also am quite anxious. Sometimes I even get terrified. Here are some of the scary thought going on in my head.
A little over a month ago, I got a tonsillitis. I felt pretty rough for about 4 days which for me seemed like an eternity because there is nothing more that I hate than being sick. In fact, not feeling how I normally feel is something I don’t like (by the way this is also why I don’t drink any alcohol or do any drugs, out of fear of feeling things I can’t control). The only things I could think of was my intense desire to get well, the terrible pain I was experiencing in my back and me feeling very sick. On top of that, I also got a load of anxiety. Being ill at home is already bad enough, but getting ill while travelling in a foreign country scares me. And it is very likely to happen at some point due to being in a new environment and eating different food.
Another worry is my financial situation for this trip. I feel like a control freak when it comes to planning my expenses, especially because I do it over and over again to make sure I won’t run out of money before the end of the trip. It is very hard to make a good estimate of how much the trip can cost me, I’ve been looking online for some estimates but they all vary so much so it’s hard to tell.
Then there’s the whole preparation: cancelling contracts, shipping my belongings, visa applications, emptying my apartment, donating/throwing out old clothes and small appliances, seeing my friends before leaving, etc.
All this anxiety has triggered a need for me to pay attention to where my fears are coming from and how to face them. I read a great book by Ruby Wax called A Sane New World which is about the mental stress we go through in our everyday lives and how to deal with it. Reading about this was great and did help but it is only half the work. The other half is by just going through the fear, rationalising it, and putting it into perspective. Sometimes your brain knows things better but when the time comes it’s not always easy to walk the talk. So this trip will hopefully teach me to let go of these fears, to learn how to embrace the present moment just as it is without focusing on fears based on past experiences or possible future occurrences.
I’ve chosen the scary looking path, but it may not be scary at all, just a brand new experience which will enlighten me that much more. I look forward to writing more for you all again and to keep you posted.