At first I thought I should apologise to my readers for taking so long to write another blog post, but then I realised that I don’t have to apologise about anything, what started off as a blog for me to write my thoughts eventually became a pressure to write a weekly post, mainly to keep the flow running and to remain consistent to become a popular blog. Woomp woomp, wrong! I created this pressure myself and I now see that clearly. Yes, I did say I would write about my travels, but here I am, one month has passed and I haven’t said a word yet. There are several reasons for this.
Ever since I arrived in India, all I have done was sightseeing, taking photos, planning my next destinations, and mingle with other travellers. All this has kept my mind so occupied, almost on auto-pilot, that I could not think of what to write.
I did not want my blog to become a daily travel journal “Today I saw this, that food was super spicy, and the hotel I stayed at was awesome” I may blog about certain experiences but not today.
Inspiration to write simply wasn’t there. I didn’t want to force myself to write whatever just to keep the flow going because it would become boring to write and read.
So today there will be no wonderful stories or impressive anecdotes about my travels but something I came across that inspired me to share with you. I’m currently in beautiful Palolem, a small costal village in South Goa. I’ve been here for a week doing nothing. Yep nothing at all, just BEING. It feels great after such a busy month in North India. I got myself a new book called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Without saying much, I already highly recommend it to everyone interested in the dysfunction and consciousness of human beings. There was one passage that really hit me, it is about “Who am I, how do I define myself?”. This is what my very first blogpost was about. He says:
Your sense of who you are determines what you perceive as your needs and what matters to you in life – and whatever matters to you will have the power to upset and disturb you. You can use this as a criterion to find out how deeply you know yourself. What matters to you is not necessarily what you say or believe, but what actions and reactions reveal as important and serious to you. So you may ask yourself the question: What are the things that upset and disturb me?
So to answer that question, right now, lack of finances disturb me a lot (like I mentioned in my previous post), so much that I prevent myself from enjoying my present state, which I have longed for so badly when I was back in the UK. The problem is not that I don’t have enough finances, but my fear of running out before the end of the trip. I have met many travellers who are in the same situation but their worries don’t interfere with their enjoyment. So I recognise that under financial insecurity – which for me really is all about the fear of not having certainty – I don’t cope well, my mind goes into story mode and imagines worst-case scenarios. These are the moments my mind becomes very sensitive to negative experiences and exaggerates them. At least now I recognise and acknowledge this, being aware is already the first step to separating the fear of insecurity from who I am. Not just for the sake of enjoying my travels, but for the sake of my financial sanity in my future career.
There are many more things that disturb or upset me such as sickness, body-image, and underachieving. These are some of my ‘trigger points’, these are all related to my self-image, the content of my ego, the non-stop and occasional evil voices in my head, my unconscious dysfunctional mind – but these have no place in the present moment, where past conditioning or future fears have no power. This requires constant awareness of my thoughts and so, I am a work in progress.
The truth is we all have an idea who we are and how we cope in different situations, but unless you’re going through it, it is all speculation. How has this helped to know who I am? I am awareness, all the rest is transient.
What are the things that upset and disturb you?